Obstacle

My biggest obstacle to progress is me. I am talking about spiritual progress. Laziness comes into it, but it is not only that. There are addictions, desires and distractions that taunt me, keeping me from realising any lofty goals. Some weeks back I wrote to a friend with some thoughts that were pressing on me just then. “I fear I am regressing spiritually. I am torn between chasing after my deen and other matters, but more and more it is the other matters that dominate. I feel I really need help to get back on track because I cannot sustain anything on my own. I can bow down one evening in sincere repentance, only to slip again two days later. It is like I am falling.” There were times in the past when such realisation would drive me to instant reform, but these days I find myself with a kind of dispassionate resignation, which troubles me. Yes, the lack of emotion worries me. Emotion can drive change, creating an energy and impetus. Instead I have this quiet realisation – I know what I need to do, but don’t have the great drive. I have a problem: it is me.